Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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