if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
