threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
