thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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