My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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