Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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