I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
