I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
