there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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