I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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