Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
