one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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