Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
