Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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