community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
