well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
