At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
