So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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