guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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