If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
