We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
