its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
