Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
