my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
