We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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