Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
