this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
