guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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