You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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