Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
