well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
