i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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