I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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