I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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