I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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