He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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