Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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