Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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