i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
