I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
