I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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