our cab driver is having phone sex.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
