I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
