well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
