I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
