I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
