We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
