I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
