6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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