Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
